I cut my penus on the lid.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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