The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
