I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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