i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
