Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
