At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The Olympian is in my bed
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
