I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
