i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
