you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
