at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
