I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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