when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
