I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
