Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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