there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
