Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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