So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The best revenge is premature balding
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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