i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
