I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
