it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
