can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
