I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
