Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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