How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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