I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
