He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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