I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
