Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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