he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
