I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
