I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
