I cannot find my penis.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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