I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
