just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
