I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
