Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
