so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
