I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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