Betty ford says i'm here all night
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
