I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I skipped work to stalk him.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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