I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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