My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
