Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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