I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
