Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
