i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
