If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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