I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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