I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
