I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
